Round 2. For real this time.

Today I start blogging again. A lot of things have been going on in my community. Some good, some devastating, some disappointing, some beautiful...all a crazy mess that for some reason, God is helping us work out.

When I moved into The Parsonage in Gloucester City, NJ last August, I didn't really have any expectations. I had just started attending Circle of Hope. My roommates were people I barely knew, and our congregation was just starting to take root in Camden. I was attracted to Circle for a million reasons, number one being that I had never felt Jesus so strongly in a community of people before. I didn't have many expectations other than to be taking each day as it came.

What's happened since then would take hours to explain. We've had people move in and out of the Parsonage (with one on the way) and lost others in our community through more tragic means. The whole time, I was still really struggling to answer the question, "What makes your house different?" We share a food budget, I would say. We try our best to have dinner together every Wednesday. We try to work towards a common goal of loving God and others. Even though I was saying it, I don't know if I ever understood it.

For the past few months, I've been doing some very selfish things. I'd gotten stuck in my American, entitled, every-man-for-himself way of thinking without even realizing that it was happening. I was lying to those who I had literally signed a covenant with about my actions because I didn't want to deal with the consequences or the conversations. Recently, blessedly, these issues kind of exploded. Not only was I beginning to listen to God as he convicted me about my deceitfulness, but like all secrets, it was exposed.

The days since then have been perhaps the most telling testament to God's grace that I've experienced. People were angry with me, as they should have been - but they came to me with their anger instead of turning to gossip or aggression. I've had many conversations with housemates and Circle community members about the fallout of my decisions. It took me being exposed as a fraud to get me to face my individualistic way of thinking. I had vowed to God and Circle that I would love them as best I could, and instead, I was keeping myself hostage.

The freedom I've experienced since then has been indescribable. I definitely don't have everything worked out, and there are conversations still to be had. What I did was selfish and hurtful to the community, but I also believe that God will continue to help us work it out. I could go on to say a million great things about the people that have shown me so much of God's grace in the past week, but I won't :) If you're reading this, you're probably a part of this group (or at least someone who I love very much)...so thank you for continuing to love me and let me love you.