Beauty in the Breakdown

This is going to be a rather personal post, though I swore to myself this blog wouldn't serve as a diary. But there are lessons to be learned here I think. The next few weeks are going to be interesting ones for me. For maybe the first time in my life, I'm going to rely solely on God and those I love to help me get back on track.

My life lately has been nothing short of a train wreck. I won't go into the details here, but suffice it to say that I've been living in a way that I'm not proud of for the past three months or so. It took the gentle nudging and sometimes tough love of people in my life to get me to a point where I'm ready to sever ties with those who encourage me in this train wreck sort of life.

My dear, wise, lovely friend Jen encouraged me a few weeks ago to let myself be cared for by the wonderful community that I've been writing about. I cringed at the thought. If there's one thing I love, it's when people let me care for them and help them and love them. If there's one thing I hate, it's being the person who needs that care, love, and help. I absolutely hate feeling like a burden, and it takes a lot for me to reach out (even though I love it so much when people reach out to me). But Jen is right (as usual). Everyone comes to a point where they need help, and the best thing you can do for yourself is get it. And not even that--if I keep this mess to myself, I'm denying those who love me the chance to be a part of my life and do what we're called to do as part of a community. Everyone loses.

So, I'm going to try to let go of my pride and attempts to seem like I've got it all together. I'm not going to run from the mess I've made of my life. I'm going to face it head on--but not alone. I've moved into a spare room at my friends Kathryn and Randy's house until The Parsonage is ready so that I could remove myself from the poisonous influences in my hometown. Those who I know will commit to sticking this out with me are aware of my situation and are ready to support me. I've cut off contact with those who have been holding me down. I want to do this. I need to do this.

I'm trying to take comfort in the fact that Jesus has been on my side all along despite the fact that I've been blatantly ignoring him. God doesn't shy away from the train wreck people (thankfully). The damage I've done to my life is not irreparable, but it probably would be without his help and that of those who are also seeking him. I need to learn to rely on love and nothing else.

So that is my life right now. Thanks for your love and prayers.