Beauty in the Breakdown

This is going to be a rather personal post, though I swore to myself this blog wouldn't serve as a diary. But there are lessons to be learned here I think. The next few weeks are going to be interesting ones for me. For maybe the first time in my life, I'm going to rely solely on God and those I love to help me get back on track.

My life lately has been nothing short of a train wreck. I won't go into the details here, but suffice it to say that I've been living in a way that I'm not proud of for the past three months or so. It took the gentle nudging and sometimes tough love of people in my life to get me to a point where I'm ready to sever ties with those who encourage me in this train wreck sort of life.

My dear, wise, lovely friend Jen encouraged me a few weeks ago to let myself be cared for by the wonderful community that I've been writing about. I cringed at the thought. If there's one thing I love, it's when people let me care for them and help them and love them. If there's one thing I hate, it's being the person who needs that care, love, and help. I absolutely hate feeling like a burden, and it takes a lot for me to reach out (even though I love it so much when people reach out to me). But Jen is right (as usual). Everyone comes to a point where they need help, and the best thing you can do for yourself is get it. And not even that--if I keep this mess to myself, I'm denying those who love me the chance to be a part of my life and do what we're called to do as part of a community. Everyone loses.

So, I'm going to try to let go of my pride and attempts to seem like I've got it all together. I'm not going to run from the mess I've made of my life. I'm going to face it head on--but not alone. I've moved into a spare room at my friends Kathryn and Randy's house until The Parsonage is ready so that I could remove myself from the poisonous influences in my hometown. Those who I know will commit to sticking this out with me are aware of my situation and are ready to support me. I've cut off contact with those who have been holding me down. I want to do this. I need to do this.

I'm trying to take comfort in the fact that Jesus has been on my side all along despite the fact that I've been blatantly ignoring him. God doesn't shy away from the train wreck people (thankfully). The damage I've done to my life is not irreparable, but it probably would be without his help and that of those who are also seeking him. I need to learn to rely on love and nothing else.

So that is my life right now. Thanks for your love and prayers.

Behind the times

Faithful readers (all approx. three of you), I'm sorry I've been neglecting this blog. I had high hopes for it and then I just completely dropped the ball. I'm going to try harder, I promise.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about community, probably because I am moving into a house that is self-proclaimedly an "intentional community." My friend Rob bought a 7-bedroom parsonage and is fixing it up and having people who are serious about community rent out the rooms. We are aptly calling it "The Parsonage." I've always kind of taken for granted what "intentional community" means, but this is pretty much how conversations with people outside of Circle of Hope (or just outside progressive Christian circles in general) go:

Person who I probably haven't talked to in awhile: So what are you doing? Are you working?

Moi: Yeah, I'm living with my parents and working at a halfway house in Mount Holly right now. But I just got a full-time job as a counselor for homeless people at a drop in center in Camden and I'm moving in with a bunch of people from my church into intentional community.

Person: Wow, that sounds interesting. What's intentional community?

Moi: Ummm....well....we're going to have a sliding scale of rent and, like....eat dinners together once a week and stuff.

To me, explaining to someone what intentional community is is like trying to define the word "creative." Everyone just kind of has a general idea of what it means and is never in a position where they have to define it to someone else.

Really, what makes this community that I'm moving into "intentional?" The fact that we set aside time to be with each other? My dear roommate in college and I did that, but I don't think we'd call each other "intentional roommates." Is it because there are a lot of us who are choosing to live together? A family does that (though admittedly, it's expected of a family). Is it because we throw around the word "love" a lot? Because that's what anyone who's moving into the house will say. "We're trying to love each other." But how is that different than a church, or a cell, or a family, or a commune?

I don't have an answer. I do know what makes our house different than what people would think of a typical group of twenty-somethings living together. For one thing, we're not all going to be paying the same rent. Those who make less money will pay less every month and just pick up extra chores to compensate. We like this idea because then if someone really wants to live in community but can't afford the base rent, they're not automatically shut out. Secondly, we're going to have one person cook for everyone else once a week and share a meal together while talking about house business. Also, we're big on accountability and confrontation...no passive-agressiveness allowed.

But mostly, when we talk about what we want this house to be, we talk about loving each other. Love is a term that gets thrown around a lot, and "loving each other" and "doing something in love" aren't used sparingly, either. All I know, and maybe all I need to know, is that we have Jesus as our example. If anyone was intentional about loving people, it's him. He did it through words and actions alike, and not only did he personify love with his life, but he also gave us instructions on how to live a life of love.

My uber-wise cell leader and dear friend Bryce said something to this effect last Thursday at cell: if we're just meeting together and doing these things but not doing them with a spirit of sacrifice and love, then what the hell are we doing them for? He said he'd rather see us disband then to meet together for one more minute if we're not doing this "life together" thing out of a love for God and each other, and I agree with him.

If, in our house, we're just a bunch of people going through life selfishly and never thinking of each other or taking the time to love each other, then what's the point? Why not live somewhere nicer, safer, less crowded, etc.? But life isn't meant to be lived alone; we're not meant to go through our days without getting our hands dirty in the lives of others. So that's what we're doing--getting our hands dirty. And I'm excited about it.