We'll be alright.

Lately I've been really frustrated with the weather. Winter should be OVER. My fleece jacket should have been put away for at least two weeks now. I know a lot of other people who think that this winter is just dragging on. Today I was driving around with the windows down, more out of stubbornness than anything else. It's not really that warm, but I'm going to try my hardest to absorb any bit of warm sunshine that I can. It reminds me of a flower opening and stretching towards the sun.

I feel like that pretty much sums up how this winter was for me. There was a lot of darkness...so much so that I had to really search to find anything to comfort me. It was totally one of those experiences that sucks at the time, but afterwards, I can look back and say, "I see what God was trying to teach me through that." I really had to cling to little signs of life - the "simple things" - to keep me going.

And thankfully, mercifully...spring is still coming.

What effect is without a cause?

I love that I learn more and more about God simply because I observe his creation. He speaks to us every moment of every day, I want to start listening. I want to start seeing him in the customers at my job, even when I'm cranky and would rather be doing anything else than bagging their groceries. I want to start seeing him in the little things he does to remind me he's there. I'm already starting to see him so clearly through the people I already know...why stop there?

Allah, Allah, Allah in everyone we meet.

Round 2. For real this time.

Today I start blogging again. A lot of things have been going on in my community. Some good, some devastating, some disappointing, some beautiful...all a crazy mess that for some reason, God is helping us work out.

When I moved into The Parsonage in Gloucester City, NJ last August, I didn't really have any expectations. I had just started attending Circle of Hope. My roommates were people I barely knew, and our congregation was just starting to take root in Camden. I was attracted to Circle for a million reasons, number one being that I had never felt Jesus so strongly in a community of people before. I didn't have many expectations other than to be taking each day as it came.

What's happened since then would take hours to explain. We've had people move in and out of the Parsonage (with one on the way) and lost others in our community through more tragic means. The whole time, I was still really struggling to answer the question, "What makes your house different?" We share a food budget, I would say. We try our best to have dinner together every Wednesday. We try to work towards a common goal of loving God and others. Even though I was saying it, I don't know if I ever understood it.

For the past few months, I've been doing some very selfish things. I'd gotten stuck in my American, entitled, every-man-for-himself way of thinking without even realizing that it was happening. I was lying to those who I had literally signed a covenant with about my actions because I didn't want to deal with the consequences or the conversations. Recently, blessedly, these issues kind of exploded. Not only was I beginning to listen to God as he convicted me about my deceitfulness, but like all secrets, it was exposed.

The days since then have been perhaps the most telling testament to God's grace that I've experienced. People were angry with me, as they should have been - but they came to me with their anger instead of turning to gossip or aggression. I've had many conversations with housemates and Circle community members about the fallout of my decisions. It took me being exposed as a fraud to get me to face my individualistic way of thinking. I had vowed to God and Circle that I would love them as best I could, and instead, I was keeping myself hostage.

The freedom I've experienced since then has been indescribable. I definitely don't have everything worked out, and there are conversations still to be had. What I did was selfish and hurtful to the community, but I also believe that God will continue to help us work it out. I could go on to say a million great things about the people that have shown me so much of God's grace in the past week, but I won't :) If you're reading this, you're probably a part of this group (or at least someone who I love very much)...so thank you for continuing to love me and let me love you.

Counting My Blessings

I love that when I ignore God, he continues to be faithful. I do not love the fact that I ignore God, by the way...just the faithful part. These past six months or so have been extremely dark for me, but just when I think I'm beyond repair, someone comes into my life and just through their very nature gives me hope again.

Tonight in cell we were telling stories about people being kind to us. Bryce noted, "Think about these experiences. These people were being Jesus to you. That's exactly what Jesus did...lived among people and showed them love and kindness." I am so blessed to have so many people that are Jesus to me everyday! I don't think about that enough.

I have started to realize how completely ungrateful I am. I complain about how much reading I have to do for school, how many hours I have to stand for work, how cold my house is, how my phone has to be rebooted in the middle of something important, how my internet cuts out sometimes, how we only have one bathroom, how I have to wait a week between Glee episodes, and a million other completely ridiculous things. I don't think "complaining" or "venting" are in and of themselves bad things, but at least for me, I completely let these things define my attitude.

Every night before I go to bed, I'm going to think of at least one thing to be thankful for. Something that went well that day. Whether it be something as big as "I got in a car accident and didn't die" or as small as "I had a really good hair day," I'm going to focus on these things. I don't want to let negativity run my life anymore! There is no such thing as an inconsequential or small blessing.

Thank you, all, for being Jesus to me. You know who you are, and you are loved and appreciated.

Oh hey

Remember that time I said I was going to blog at least two times a week? That was quite a lofty goal, wasn't it? I once again completely dropped the ball. I heard mixed feedback about my last post (side note: I fixed it so that you can comment; sorry to those who tried and couldn't). Some people said they liked when I write about personal things, others said, "I thought this blog was supposed to just be about general issues?" Well, if anyone is still checking this even though I haven't written for two months, rest assured--there will be something for both parties in this entry.

I know that almost all of my (very scarce) entries have related to community. But, really, that's the biggest (and perhaps most important) part of my life right now. I absolutely love what I've started with Circle of Hope, with my cell, with the Parsonage and I wouldn't trade it for anything. That being said, it has a lot of ups and downs. I love when we all sit around and watch The Colbert Report together. I do not love when I am literally in tears because of the number of dishes in the sink. I love sitting down with my cell and talking honestly about what works/what doesn't work and how we can love each other better. I don't love being wronged and having to have the confrontational discussion.

Do I believe we were made for community? Absolutely. That is clear all throughout the Bible. I believe community exists to be the physical presence of God on earth. I believe community exists so we can learn more about God, love, and others. I believe community exists so we can bear someone else's burden...and have our burdens borne.

If I'm being completely honest, in regards to my last entry--things haven't really gotten better. I realize, though, that it's a process. I had this idea in my head that I could just take a week out of life to focus on getting myself together, and everything would magically be okay. It's not okay. I'm still pretty much a mess. But in terms of my goal to humble myself enough to be taken care of by the community, I'm making insane progress. Because of this, have all my problems resolved themselves? Of course not. Am I learning everyday what it means to be in a give and take relationship with members of the kingdom of God? Hell yeah! It's messy but I love it.

There is nothing profound in this entry and for that I am sorry. I just wanted to write this to motivate myself to get going again.

Beauty in the Breakdown

This is going to be a rather personal post, though I swore to myself this blog wouldn't serve as a diary. But there are lessons to be learned here I think. The next few weeks are going to be interesting ones for me. For maybe the first time in my life, I'm going to rely solely on God and those I love to help me get back on track.

My life lately has been nothing short of a train wreck. I won't go into the details here, but suffice it to say that I've been living in a way that I'm not proud of for the past three months or so. It took the gentle nudging and sometimes tough love of people in my life to get me to a point where I'm ready to sever ties with those who encourage me in this train wreck sort of life.

My dear, wise, lovely friend Jen encouraged me a few weeks ago to let myself be cared for by the wonderful community that I've been writing about. I cringed at the thought. If there's one thing I love, it's when people let me care for them and help them and love them. If there's one thing I hate, it's being the person who needs that care, love, and help. I absolutely hate feeling like a burden, and it takes a lot for me to reach out (even though I love it so much when people reach out to me). But Jen is right (as usual). Everyone comes to a point where they need help, and the best thing you can do for yourself is get it. And not even that--if I keep this mess to myself, I'm denying those who love me the chance to be a part of my life and do what we're called to do as part of a community. Everyone loses.

So, I'm going to try to let go of my pride and attempts to seem like I've got it all together. I'm not going to run from the mess I've made of my life. I'm going to face it head on--but not alone. I've moved into a spare room at my friends Kathryn and Randy's house until The Parsonage is ready so that I could remove myself from the poisonous influences in my hometown. Those who I know will commit to sticking this out with me are aware of my situation and are ready to support me. I've cut off contact with those who have been holding me down. I want to do this. I need to do this.

I'm trying to take comfort in the fact that Jesus has been on my side all along despite the fact that I've been blatantly ignoring him. God doesn't shy away from the train wreck people (thankfully). The damage I've done to my life is not irreparable, but it probably would be without his help and that of those who are also seeking him. I need to learn to rely on love and nothing else.

So that is my life right now. Thanks for your love and prayers.

More reflections on community

You know what no one talks about? The dark side of community. The fact that when you're in it, you get hurt by the people who are in it with you. Oh, I know it's inevitable. People are fallible, no one's perfect, we all make mistakes - all of these things mean the same thing, which is that when we're vulnerable we're going to get hurt sometimes. But it sucks, you know?

If you're doing community right, then you're completely immersing yourself in the lives of everyone who's doing the community thing along with you. The more you know someone, the more you care for them...the more effect they have on your emotions. If someone on the street called me a bitch (this has happened before), I wouldn't even care. They don't know me. But if a dear friend tells me I'm a bitch, I'm more likely to believe it. They know me deeply and have reasons for believing that. (I may wonder why I'm close friends with someone who would call me a bitch, but whatever).

No one in my community has called me a bitch (that I know of), so this isn't directed at anyone. These are just the risks we take when we immerse ourselves in the lives of others. Jesus knew all about betrayal. He knew it was coming from Judas, but he still loved him before, during, and after that kiss. Is the pain and vulnerability inevitable? Of course. Is it worth it? Absolutely.

On a lighter note, I'm heading over to The Parsonage on Saturday to do some good ol' manual labor on the house. I'm not one for this type of stuff--I hate sweating, I hate getting dirty, I know nothing about fixing up a house...basically, I'm useless. But I'm going to try. If you live in the area, you should come out and help. (Bonus--you'll get to see me make a fool out of myself with a hammer!)

Behind the times

Faithful readers (all approx. three of you), I'm sorry I've been neglecting this blog. I had high hopes for it and then I just completely dropped the ball. I'm going to try harder, I promise.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about community, probably because I am moving into a house that is self-proclaimedly an "intentional community." My friend Rob bought a 7-bedroom parsonage and is fixing it up and having people who are serious about community rent out the rooms. We are aptly calling it "The Parsonage." I've always kind of taken for granted what "intentional community" means, but this is pretty much how conversations with people outside of Circle of Hope (or just outside progressive Christian circles in general) go:

Person who I probably haven't talked to in awhile: So what are you doing? Are you working?

Moi: Yeah, I'm living with my parents and working at a halfway house in Mount Holly right now. But I just got a full-time job as a counselor for homeless people at a drop in center in Camden and I'm moving in with a bunch of people from my church into intentional community.

Person: Wow, that sounds interesting. What's intentional community?

Moi: Ummm....well....we're going to have a sliding scale of rent and, like....eat dinners together once a week and stuff.

To me, explaining to someone what intentional community is is like trying to define the word "creative." Everyone just kind of has a general idea of what it means and is never in a position where they have to define it to someone else.

Really, what makes this community that I'm moving into "intentional?" The fact that we set aside time to be with each other? My dear roommate in college and I did that, but I don't think we'd call each other "intentional roommates." Is it because there are a lot of us who are choosing to live together? A family does that (though admittedly, it's expected of a family). Is it because we throw around the word "love" a lot? Because that's what anyone who's moving into the house will say. "We're trying to love each other." But how is that different than a church, or a cell, or a family, or a commune?

I don't have an answer. I do know what makes our house different than what people would think of a typical group of twenty-somethings living together. For one thing, we're not all going to be paying the same rent. Those who make less money will pay less every month and just pick up extra chores to compensate. We like this idea because then if someone really wants to live in community but can't afford the base rent, they're not automatically shut out. Secondly, we're going to have one person cook for everyone else once a week and share a meal together while talking about house business. Also, we're big on accountability and confrontation...no passive-agressiveness allowed.

But mostly, when we talk about what we want this house to be, we talk about loving each other. Love is a term that gets thrown around a lot, and "loving each other" and "doing something in love" aren't used sparingly, either. All I know, and maybe all I need to know, is that we have Jesus as our example. If anyone was intentional about loving people, it's him. He did it through words and actions alike, and not only did he personify love with his life, but he also gave us instructions on how to live a life of love.

My uber-wise cell leader and dear friend Bryce said something to this effect last Thursday at cell: if we're just meeting together and doing these things but not doing them with a spirit of sacrifice and love, then what the hell are we doing them for? He said he'd rather see us disband then to meet together for one more minute if we're not doing this "life together" thing out of a love for God and each other, and I agree with him.

If, in our house, we're just a bunch of people going through life selfishly and never thinking of each other or taking the time to love each other, then what's the point? Why not live somewhere nicer, safer, less crowded, etc.? But life isn't meant to be lived alone; we're not meant to go through our days without getting our hands dirty in the lives of others. So that's what we're doing--getting our hands dirty. And I'm excited about it.

The Role of Scripture

**Note: In the following, when I refer to "Scripture," I am referring primarily to the New Testament since these are the "set of rules" that apply to Christians.

I took a lot of Bible classes in college. There are some that are required for graduation from Taylor, but I also took enough electives to earn a minor in "Biblical Literature" (that sounds so fancy). In all of these classes, Scripture was obviously discussed. But it seemed that the actual role of Scripture was taken for granted. It was assumed that everyone taking the classes must believe that all Scripture is to be taken literally and prescriptively. At the time of taking these classes, I would have said that I also believed this. A lot of things have changed since then.

The church I attended while at Taylor, The Mercy House, was a wonderful group of people committed to dialogue and community. It was the first church I ever attended that encouraged congregational discussion after the pastor (or whomever the speaker was) finished their message. We were going through the books of the Bible one by one and we came to those infamous passages in 1 Timothy 2 about women being silent and being saved through childbearing and all of that. I mean, come on, those passages are awkward. It brings up a lot of questions about women who can't/don't want to have children, women involved in ministry, female pastors, etc.

In a church like The Mercy House, who has a "liberal" view on these things, it started a lively discussion during and after the message was delivered. Obviously, during this discussion, the idea of "taking the passage in context" came up a lot. After awhile, someone stood up and said something to the effect of, "Why do we only talk about taking passages we DON'T like in their original context? It seems that we should either take all passages in their context or take all of it literally. Who decides how we pick and choose what to take literally?"

Excellent point. This one statement has brought about a six-month period of searching for me (I want to go back to Indiana and shake that man's hand). It is doing a disservice to God, the Bible, and myself to only try to "explain away" passages that make me uncomfortable but never look at the contexts of the ones that jive with my existing beliefs. I basically set out to decide if Scripture, ALL of Scripture, is or isn't to be taken in context. I believe that it is, and that has changed a lot of things for me.

The New Testament is a bunch of observer's stories and letters. Aside from the actual words of Jesus, I'm doubtful that the words written in the books of the NT are to be taken as literally as it is assumed we should. It is undeniable that Paul, Peter, John, etc. were wise men who were seeking after God. But that's all they are: men who were seeking after God. Their letters were chosen out of countless more to be considered "Scripture" by a bunch of guys at a conference.

I guess what I'm saying is this: I think the books of the NT are wise words written by wise men. But I don't know that I want to take everything they say so literally. When you look at the historical context of the letters, it's quite clear that most of the things that were being addressed were not only for specific situations, but also for specific people. I doubt that the writers of the NT letters would have written the same things if they had known that their letters would be seen and taken literally by the majority of the world. 

I haven't worked out exactly what this means for me. I do believe that there are overarching themes that build off the teachings of Jesus, like loving others, caring for the oppressed, and being a community of integrity. But things that are mentioned solely by these writers, specifically things that are wrong or sinful...I just don't know if I can commit to saying that these are things that apply to all Christians. The words of Jesus are an exception for obvious reasons. But what separates men like Paul and Peter from writers of our current generation who write books expounding on the teachings of Jesus? Is the only difference that the former had actually known Jesus while he was on earth?

I guess I want to open this up to all of you (all, like, three of you) that read this. I'm still figuring all this out. But at this point, in a nutshell, this is what I'm thinking: the epistles of the NT are a valuable resource to understanding the early church. I don't believe, however, that its specifics are prescriptive.

What do you think?

May as well start of with a bang, eh?

Homosexuality is not a new topic for me to be writing/speaking out about. I wrote an article about it for the school newspaper, have done numerous studies and reports on it for classes, and pretty much don't miss any opportunity to share my views on it. (What can I say? I like stirring up controversy.)

This isn't going to be about the "Christian" view of homosexuality. But it IS about gay rights, and it IS about the dignity and equality of all people, no matter their sexual orientation.

I recently read in a facebook message written by a Christian friend of mine that there is "nothing more traitorous" than Christians embracing the "unorthodox lifestyle of homosexuality." Though I know this friend's heart is in the right place, this deeply troubles me. Nothing more traitorous to God than being gay? Not only is that not biblical, it's just downright insulting.

Contrary to popular belief, you can love Jesus and be gay. Whatever you believe about the "righteousness" of a Christian living a gay lifestyle, you cannot (intelligently) argue the fact that it is not a choice. Sin affects everyone, and Christians are not immune from any particular sin. Just as someone is born a pathological liar, someone is born gay (this is not me likening the sin of lying to homosexuality; I'm just using that "lifestyle sin" as an example).

However, I stray from my point. My point is this: how can anyone argue, by ANY logic, that homosexuality is "the worst sin?" Please give me biblical (or logical) evidence that homosexuality is worse than any other sin issue someone may struggle with. Actually, in Matthew 12, Jesus says that all sin will be forgiven except for blasphemy against the Holy Spirit. So really, if anyone's going to get all up in arms about a particular issue, shouldn't it be that?

Homosexuality is not mentioned in the Bible nearly as much as other sins such as greed, theft, lying, and murder. Why is it that so many conservative Christians seem to cling to this one issue so tightly? Is it because they don't struggle with it, so they don't know the agonizing dilemmas that Jesus-following gay individuals face everyday? Is it because it's starting to become more culturally accepted in America? Is it because the media has created a stereotype of gays that is silly and demeaning?

Like I said, I'm not trying to argue about the "correctness" of homosexuality and whether or not you can be a Christian and live a gay lifestyle and all of that. I'm simply asking, why do we pick on gay people so much? No wonder they hate Christians. We treat them like the modern-day lepers. Which, by the way, is exactly the opposite of what Jesus did.

This brings me to the issue of gay rights. My view on the whole thing is this (and this will come up many more times as an explanation for why I believe what I do): we have to respect the separation of Church and state. What if we had a Muslim president and s/he started making all of these rules based on things s/he believed to be true because of the Qur'an? What if it was illegal not to bow five times a day towards Mecca? What if it was illegal to eat or have sex during the month of Ramadan? We would be pissed, that's what. But that's exactly what we're doing by criminalizing homosexuality. The only basis Christians who are anti-homosexuality have for their beliefs is what they interpret the Bible to be saying. So how, then, is it fair to make laws based on that? (I am, of course, ignoring all of the more ridiculous reasons Christians [and others] give to be anti-gay, including things such as: gay people can't reproduce; "if we let them marry, can people marry animals next?;" "God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve;" etc.)

Whatever you believe about homosexuality, I don't think it's okay to treat those who practice it like social outcasts. The Bible says a lot of things are wrong (yes, even in the New Testament) that we don't enforce. Why do we harp on this one thing? Why do we endorse and even celebrate movies that show and glamorize premarital sex? Why don't we go on heated tirades about liars, gluttons, thieves, or the prideful? Why don't we create entire websites, entire friend groups, entire organizations around these issues?

I think the answer lies in the fact that we have all struggled with most, if not each, of those sins in some capacity. Homosexuality, to those of us who have never struggled with it, can seem like a mystery, an anomaly, or even an unnatural perversion. We can not empathize with those who are gay, perhaps, because we have no idea what it's like to be so. But think about this: what if the roles were reversed, and you were told that being straight was a sin? Could you just flip a switch and change?

I believe I have crossed into rambling territory and I am currently distracted by the Yankees game, so I think I'll be wrapping this up now :]

Discuss.